2017

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Whenever Franco and I come home, people want to give us things.

A TV. A microwave. Something to make the food that will inevitably find its way to the microwave.

“I thought you were a pauper,” they say, after a brief mention of our incomes. “My apologies.”

When people from elsewhere visit, they make assumptions.

“Being in your 30s is quite old. Sorry, I know you don’t like to hear that,” she says, rubbing my shoulders.

Then there’s the universal: “One day he’ll ask you. Don’t you worry.”

At this point I lower my hands, which have been locked in prayer for who knows how long in a direct appeal to the gods of nuptials and fertility. I’m also kneeling for some reason.

“Golly gee I sure hope so,” say I, nodding extra hard. “After all, my sole purpose in life is to become a worthy partner to a mate so we can procreate with much gusto.”

Often this satisfies them enough that I’m allowed to retreat to my dark corner, where I’m always sipping a dirty martini—definitely with much gusto.

***

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I didn’t grow up with my mom.

This catches people off-guard when I tell them, but it’s just a fact of life. Here’s another fact: I had a very happy childhood. I had a father and aunt who cared for me, my brother and sister. We had many pets—cats, dogs, rabbits, hamsters, birds, chickens, and hermit crabs—a backyard to roam; a house with doors and running water, which in the Philippines was a big fucking deal. So maybe it wasn’t hot running water because we weren’t the Marcoses or anything, but running water nonetheless.

We had a nanny who loved us, too. She had lice. But having lice there was like having intestinal worms, a scar where the anti-tuberculosis needle pierced your skin, a family dog presumed dead after escaping the yard via jumping a fence and likely falling prey to the neighborhood uncles having many night caps and thus craving a pup-flavored snack, or, as we call it in Tagalog, “pulutan.” In other words, it was all totally normal, guys.

Like many overseas workers who were the backbone of the Philippine economy, my mom lived and worked elsewhere in the world and sent home much-needed funds. But unlike the hardworking overworked nannies and maids of the homeland, my mom had a prime gig as a registered nurse in the Bronx, with benefits and everything, and PTO that allowed her to come home in two-week spurts.

My dad likes to tell the story about how I hit her with my milk bottle when I was 3 because I didn’t recognize the strange woman hugging my dad. My mom doesn’t like that story very much.

But even at a very young age, I knew my mom was the reason my siblings and I went to really good schools, why we had a TV with a VCR (also a big fucking deal in those parts), and why we were the proud VHS owners of all the American musicals and the best animated films Disney made during its late ’80s, early ’90s renaissance.

Even then I knew my mom made the money. Therefore, she was a badass.

***

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Every girl, so the narrative goes, has been dreaming about The Big Day since they were 5.

After The Big Day come the house and the kid and the other kid and… I guess the story trails off after that because there’s nothing more to life, am I right?

My narrative, however, was always something else.

I decided I’d become a writer, see the world, and live in New York City. I’d meet the love of my life at some point, of course, and we’d have a pup and probably adorable offspring, but these would come in addition to the goals I’d set for myself—not at the expense of them.

After all, my mom was living her own badass existence. Why couldn’t I?

***

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When we’re young, we’re told we are the culmination of all the things we do, aspire to be, and become.

But there’s a cutoff.

At some point life just boils down to the paper you’ve yet to sign and the things that haven’t yet come out of your vagina—which frankly, as amazing as those feats are, is insulting.

I get it, though. Real narratives are hard to talk about in bullet form. They’re messy and depressing. They meander and don’t always make sense. They’re often unsatisfying.

If we were to have a real conversation about other notable things in our lives beyond the familiar topics of getting betrothed and procreating, we’d encounter uncomfortable truths about life and the people in it.

The stories would go a little something like this:

I’m 8. We’ve been in America a couple weeks. Two old men talk to my sister and me at a recycling center in the Bronx, and we ignore them. “They’re fresh off the boat,” they say to each other, laughing. “They can’t speak English.” We speak English, I think to myself, just not to strangers.

I’m a tween now, still not allowed to go outside because my dad thinks doing so would spell certain doom in the form of an irresistible urge to do drugs or get pregnant. I read and write a lot.

14 years old. I’m now a freshman at a high school in Virginia, where people wave Confederate flags at football games. A decade or so later, hundreds of students there will sign a petition to lift the ban on the good ol’ tradition, citing their heritage.

In college, I become editor of the student paper. “Maybe the first Filipino-American editor?” my dad says. I dismiss it. Who knows. Who cares.

21. I intern at a paper, where I talk about growing up in New York City and scoring in the top percentile of some standardized test (the reading portion, of course. My math was and always will be terrible). A staff photographer, a white dude in his 40s, surmises it’s probably because New York standards weren’t that challenging.

23. After interning at a paper for several months, eating ramen and developing a potassium deficiency while making minimum wage, I get hired as a full-time reporter at a time when few papers are hiring, much less hiring people like me. But not before one of the editors of a mostly white, Southern-born and bred newsroom asks, “Do you have trouble making friends?” When another staffer brings around her adopted Asian baby, she points to me and says, “Look. Sister.”

25-28. After getting laid off by the paper during The Great Recession, I move to New York jobless with less than $4,000 in the bank. I get a journalism job at a time when few people in journalism (or anywhere for that matter) are hiring, like, at. All. I kick ass, take names. I eventually get bored of struggling to buy groceries while paying rent (because journalism, am I right?) and decide to go back to school.

27. I ask a person of some authority from a former life for a letter of recommendation to a grad program. “This program is very hard to get into, you know,” he tells me in a way that means I shouldn’t bother. He drags his feet writing this letter, and when he does, a white girl’s name appears where mine should be. I get in anyway.

28-30. In grad school, professors joke about whether I can speak English. The class laughs. Many of them come from places that probably also waved Confederate flags at football games.

30. I graduate from grad school. I move back to New York. I freelance in a field where most writers are white dudes. I get paid an absurd amount of money to make puns.

31. A white dude of some authority, after barely having worked with me, says, “You don’t have to be the most talented person in the room as long as you show much enthusiasm and hard work. You could take out the trash at a place you really like to show your dedication, like I did.” He doesn’t seem to understand that if I took out the trash at a place where most people looked like him, they would just assume I really was the maid.

31. As Franco and I celebrate my new gig, a woman I barely know turns to me and says, “Now it’s your turn to support him.”

31-32. I continue to live and work in New York City. I still get paid an absurd amount of money to make puns. In my spare time I write, but it’s hard because life’s busy. There are all these weddings to go to.

I want to talk about all these things, how difficult it all is but hopefully it’s all worth it, and when do you know anyway, is there, like, a sign that says, “Hey doofus, you’ve freaking made it. Have a margarita.” Is there? Is there a sign? What do you think?

But the only thing they ask is: When are you getting married?

I kiss my index finger, point to the sky and say: “Any day now.”

***

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Not following The Narrative raises eyebrows.

If you’re past 30 and unmarried, it’s not your choice.

Not having a TV means you can’t afford it.

Freelancing means you can’t get a full-time job. Because everyone wants a full-time job. Everyone.

The man makes all the funds. He’s funding you, in fact. Never mind that you once lived independently in NYC before there was even a hint of you two ever dating. You are subservient.

Most importantly, you envy the people of The Narrative. They are the lucky ones. And one day, if you’re very lucky, you too will be one of them.

***

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According to The Narrative, success is defined by the paper you sign, the offspring you produce, and the fancy things your fancy job affords.

Nothing else matters.

Usually I find it best not to refute it. It comforts people. They’ll think what they want to think anyway.

But I’m finding that staying quiet is even worse than taking a stand on anything, no matter how dumb or erroneous. It too perpetuates lies, misinformation, and cowardice, and even elects buffoons—just without the conviction.

So this year I’m taking a stand, dagnabbit. Because, while I may not have control over how people will interpret the truth, the lack of diversity in creative fields, nor the median age of every newlywed in the world, I still can control how I present my truth.

In fact, my wish for 2017 is for everyone to be so bold as to start or keep pursuing their alternate narratives, and dare speak of them at family gatherings, friendly reunions, and random hookups with their most favorite bar persons, if that’s what they’re into, regardless of anyone’s fragile eyebrows.

I’ll go first:

I’m a writer in New York City. Sometimes I go weeks without a paycheck, but I’m an excellent saver. In my spare time, I travel not nearly enough and draw and play the ukulele because like me, it is very small. I live in sin with my boyfriend whom I love very much—with much gusto, some might say. We share a small apartment in Queens with not a lot of fancy things, because that’s how we like it. We may or may not get married one day.

We consider ourselves very lucky.

A Mosh Pit Full of Fist Pumps Episode II

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2015 was such a whirlwind. A blur. A ride. An adventure. A spectacle. A blast. A rollercoaster. A peanut.

Crap, I lost it. Let’s just say, a lot of stuff happened.

In many ways it felt like I was wandering aimlessly on this new writing path. Last I wrote about it, I oh so dramatically outlined my reasons for peace-ing out on journalism (On a scale of 1-10 in breakups, I’d give it a 55. Necessary, sure, but awful as fuck. I enjoyed writing for newspapers for a time but didn’t quite have the temperament for the daily 300-word regurgitation of things you can Google elsewhere. Even as a reader, I much prefer longer narratives and pieces that take months and months to write. But I’d do it all over again, layoff and financial destitution and all. It was like being in a time capsule—a writing bootcamp that future generations won’t get to experience. Suck it, babies).

Unlike the well-worn and fading path of daily newspapering, this new one is much more nebulous.

And in 2015, it showed.

I was all over the place.

Chronologically,

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JAN:

I left a contract job in NYC so I could intern at a cool ad agency in Minneapolis for a couple months. Steeped in great copywriting tradition, this place was like rubbing shoulders with the ghosts of the greats and the rockstars of the current. I also got to see what an agency’s like when it debuts an ad baby on the night of the Holy Grail of admaking—the Super Bowl.

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MARCH:

I got back to New York, probably more unsure than ever of where to go next. Instead of immediately lining up an ad gig, I decided to use my savings to hole up and start drawing. And I kept drawing (more on that later).

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JUNE:

With a couple dozen comic strips under my belt and a revamped portfolio incorporating my doodles, it was time to look for another gig. I soon was faced with two choices: a stable position in Manhattan calling for a very specific skillset or a contract one in Jersey calling for anything and everything that was 1.5 hours by train and train and bus. I took the one in Jersey.

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SEPT:

Franco and I moved into our own space. One word: liberating. Hence, this current spate of posts.

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OCT:

When summer ended, so did the Jersey gig. Days into yet another stretch of holing up and drawing, I got a call for a monthlong project in Pittsburgh. (Pittsburgh, by the way, is an awesome town. In another lifetime in another universe, I would have loved it.)

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NOV/DEC:

Back in NYC, I closed out the year with another contract job in Manhattan. Because. Bookends.

***

Looking back now, I see there was one constant: experimentation.

Different ads and clients and cities and agencies and people—I wanted to try them all.

All throughout, I still wrote side projects for myself. Not in this space, because for a while I felt like everything I wanted to share didn’t belong here. They were meant to be short stories, maybe, or diary comics, or shitty tumblr posts or some other form I don’t really know yet.

I’ve grown more patient with them.

2015 made my writing goals much clearer. I’d share what they are but this space is much better in hindsight.

Because

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But I can speak in generalities.

I’ve found that to grow as a writer, you  have to grow as a human. That may include admitting things about yourself you may not like, purging a lot of things that are bad for you, and not being afraid of the changes you need to make to get to where you want to be. Just like anything in life, things may be crap for a while but time has a way of ironing things out.

I’ve found that just because you’re growing in a certain direction doesn’t mean the people you know are going to go with you. And that’s OK. Some people are right for us in spurts, not eternity.

In the same vein, pursuing your own path, especially one that doesn’t quite jibe with the status quo, can be quite lonely. It’s why surrounding yourself with awesome people isn’t just important—it’s pretty damn necessary. And because forging real bonds takes a lot of time and energy, we must be very cognizant of who we give that time and energy to.

Finally, #LIVINGTHEDREAM can change as you change. This time 10 years ago, I was a senior journalism major gearing up for a summer internship at a daily newspaper; was editing the college paper and would soon be running it by fall; and leaving it all behind by spring to live in Spain for a couple months. Shit. I was way cooler 10 years ago.

And that’s OK.

Because I didn’t know then what I know now.

That is, #LIVINGTHEDREAM may at times look a lot like wandering aimlessly, making questionable career moves, waking up in the middle of the night going: What the fuck am I doing? It’s talking to people about your dreams about writing and being flat out told: HA. So you want to be a writer? Not if you don’t write in a certain manner at this kind of place, slaving away every night and weekend FOR ALL OF ETERNITY you won’t!

In spite of it all, no, in the face of it all, you keep writing. Not just writing, mind you, but writing in the kind of way that excites you and sounds like you.

Because weirdly enough, this nonlinear path actually gets you much closer to #LIVINGTHEDREAM than the one that came with all the cool, fancy titles.

In my old writing life, I put my work with the capital W ahead of everything. That was necessary for that point in my life, but now… fuck. That. I’m convinced my best writing self comes from being the best human me.

Which means being in the city I love.

With the people I love.

To do the kind of writing I love.

It took a while to get here, but man am I glad I did.

Happy New Year, friends.

Angela Chase Is My Homie

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I’m always in my head.

Whenever something big happens, I imagine Future Me reflecting on that very moment years later in full-on Angela Chase mode, narrating every furrow of the brow, out loud and angst-filled—all while I’m living it.

That’s what happens when you grow up on The Wonder Years. And Blossom. And Clarissa Explains It All. And, the great overthinker’s bible, My So-Called Life.

It also does a couple things to a young person’s underdeveloped brain:

One, you decide talking to yourself, out loud and often, is acceptable.

Two, overanalyzing becomes your default way of thinking.

And three, you kind of miss out on some things.

You preoccupy yourself with trying to figure out what everything means before it even has a chance to become anything.

You even set some ground rules.

Big moments, you decide, come with symbolic tchotchke like streamers and cake to let oblivious you know that THIS IS A BIG DEAL, IDIOT, PAY ATTENTION.

Little moments, meanwhile, have an easier time slipping by unnoticed.

In most cases, it’s fine. I mean, they’re usually boring and lame and why waste brain space on what kind of pants your neighbor was wearing this morning unless he was wearing, like, MC Hammer pants, because, AMAZING.

What complicates things is when big moments disguise themselves as little moments, only to reveal their true selves long after they’ve passed.

I’ve tried to remedy this by always carrying a camera or a notebook and pen. It helps me relive everything, over and over, the good and the bad, with the benefit of hindsight that I use to craft neat narratives in order to make me sound much wiser and well-adjusted than I actually am.

Those otherwise inconsequential MC Hammer pants? Now they’re a symbol of my lost youth and spontaneity and inability to say, “Fuck You, slacks. I’m wearing MC Hammer pants to work today.”

But just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, a transition rears its ugly head.

Neither big nor small, transitions are merely preludes to either.

Nowhere are transitions more apparent than in New York, where your favorite noodle joints, jobs, and friendships dissipate overnight, sometimes without saying bye. The city conditions us not only to accept it all with a stiff upper lip but also to expect them.

It’s why when the rare transition that you recognize as a transition passes by, in its really fucking beautiful kind of way,

you go outside

and take a picture.

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Love and Life and Writing

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People are like creative work.

You have to go through a lot of mediocre ones, bad ones even, to end up with something good. Even then, it doesn’t mean it will always be good.

Nothing is linear.

You learn which ones you want to spend time with and how you want to spend that time. You know not to waste any on fruitless pursuits, and you know not to settle for what’s good enough.

You search for it. You work for it. You suffer for it.

You open yourself up to ridicule, criticism and ignorance because of it.

And it’s worth it. Because good stuff begets more good stuff. Where you find awesome people you’ll likely find more awesome people. Maybe not right away, but at some point.

It’s what fuels my writing and my relationships.

When I started dating a new boy, it was a bigger deal than I thought it would be. Correction: a bigger deal to everyone else than I thought it would be. It was certainly a big deal to me.

At first, I spent a lot of time trying not to piss anyone off. And anytime you do that, with people, with work, with anything, you’re done.

You’ve let fear get the best of you. Sometimes it’s a valid fear, like when doing something might result in your and your loved ones’ exile from the modern world.

But compared to that, everything else doesn’t seem so life and death.

Because it isn’t.

I looked at who had been with me at my best and my roughest, and who would be with me beyond that.

I looked at myself. How my personal self affected my writing self. How I could push for good work and surround myself with good work but not push for the same thing in my physical world.

I couldn’t.

What happened next was painful and terrible, but also kind of great. On one hand, I had people I hadn’t talked to in ages telling me all about my horrible life decisions. On the other, I found someone I could talk to about anything and everything, with much self-deprecation and humor.

It wasn’t as simple as that — nothing is — but it was simple in truth. You can’t achieve anything great without risking anything great.

It’s a truth we’re all familiar with, but one that needs repeating when we most need it. Like when we’re about to take the last shred of toilet paper without replacing it. Or quit a job to pursue something completely different. Or do something that makes our lives great fodder for a telenovela.

I had to let go of parts of myself and people I’d loved so I could be more like who I was becoming.

How people responded to that, I decided, didn’t matter. At least the ones who didn’t matter to me. There were plenty of moments when I thought: How dare they? They don’t know me and what I’ve been through!

And that’s just it. They don’t. They probably never will.

In life, whether we do something great or terrible or just okay, everyone will have an opinion. We’d all like them to be informed and educated and smart opinions, but that doesn’t always happen.

What has happened is the big players are still big players. The minor ones have faded into the background, like I thought they would.

And it didn’t hurt. Too much.

If I had to do it all over again, with the power of hindsight, I would.

Because if good begets good and bad begets bad, then strength must also beget strength.

Into the Rabbit Hole

I had this whole entry planned about exposing yourself to bulk, positive randomness. It was outlined in my Moleskine. My Moleskine that, as I type in the sunny dining room of my apartment, is sitting in the office, probably under a pile of court opinions.

Nonetheless, I can’t think of anything more appropriate than taking a random approach to writing about randomness. Screw plans! Let’s freestyle this sucker.

I see your fingers inching toward the X. Resist. It will be worth it.

(Self, that was super convincing. You’ve dazzled them with your charisma! Stop slouching. And growling. Rar.)

So, uh, as we were.

This post really came about from a series of conversations with friends, work things and life things. When I take my experiences in totality, the ones I remember the most were largely unplanned.

For instance, when I moved to New York, as people who move to New York often do, I planned just enough to get me here. Everything else, I left up to the universe. But I know I wouldn’t have had the courage to do that had I not exposed myself to bulk, positive randomness beforehand.

That, to me, was Spain.

“Can you look up (insert something derogatory here)?”

I rummaged through my purse for my Spanish dictionary. “Fuzz on the lip?”

“That can’t be right.”

It was 2007. A friend and I had ended up at a random bar in Seville and, laughing about the day’s adventures, had attracted the unwanted attention of two men. They’d sat themselves down at our table and spouted off rapid Spanish. We pretended not to speak the language, hoping they’d leave us alone.

It didn’t work.

Instead, they spewed vulgarities, laughing to each other in self-congratulatory fashion.

Insert something vulgar. Cackle. Another something vulgar. Cackle.

After a couple of minutes of this, I looked them in the eye and, with a smile, said, “No me gustan los hombres viejos.”

“Y feos. FEOS. FEOS.”

I don’t like old men. Or ugly ones. (UGLY. UGLY ones.)

I refer to my study abroad experience quite a bit because while it was only for a semester, there has been no other time in my life when I experienced so many changes in such a short period of time. After all, I was in a different country, in a different culture with a different teaching style in close quarters with people from different countries.

Such a situation is pretty much an experiment in social dynamics. It’s so unnatural and out of your comfort zone that your emotions are heightened. You react differently to things there than you would if you were among the familiar.

Given this, I saw people mainly reacted in one of two ways: they clung to the familiar or at least the closest thing to familiar – by refusing to learn the language, eat the food and by sticking close to those who resembled their friends back home.

Or they dived right in.

One of my favorite adventures in Spain happened during the study abroad equivalent of spring break. Semana Santa, as it’s called, is a weeklong respite from diligent studies (I use diligent loosely), and gives you the opportunity to do whatever.  One option was the group-organized trip to Morocco. At first glance, you probably think the natural reaction would have been for me to say: Hell yes! Morocco! When else am I going to travel somewhere so exotic with an organized group of friends and age-similar group leaders?

But by that point, I was familiar with these group-organized trips. All I saw was itinerary after itinerary. Organized tours. Planned meals and meetups. Fun activities confined to specific timeslots.

It was exploration in bullet points, which, to a meanderer, is kind of like reading the Cliffs Notes version of a really compelling novel.

Screw that, homeslice.

Instead, I opted for the bulk, positive randomness route: backpacking through Southern Spain with a friend, a book, a Moleskine.

I don’t need to tell you it was amazing. I should probably tell you that I, still relatively new to this type of travel, had moments of – Oh my God, we’re going to end up sleeping next to Evil Brain-Sucking Tree Gnomes. It helped that my friend, a seasoned wanderer, was there to tell me things would all work out.

And they did. I’m certain I became a much braver meanderer as a result, moreso than had I gone the group route.

Whenever I feel trapped in a grand life scheme I’ve made for myself, I look back on that semester. I’m reminded that we have the tendency to plan things out – school, work, marriage, kids – and stick with the plan regardless of the variables that arise. The plan, after all, gives us the illusion of control over some linear path. But life isn’t linear. Success isn’t linear. Travel doesn’t have to be linear. We’d do much better preparing as much as we can while also giving ourselves the freedom to deviate from that plan.

To embrace bulk, positive randomness is to recognize that deviating from the plan isn’t a form of failure but an opportunity to create something new. Yet, it doesn’t mean venturing into the wild unprepared. In Spain, my friend and I armed ourselves with the language, sufficient street smarts and did enough research to know where we should and shouldn’t be. We recognized when people were being extremely creepy – two girls in their early 20s, believe it or not, had no trouble attracting the creepy – enough to abort conversations and when to trust that the people we met were truly as awesome as they seemed.

The funny thing is, as much as exposing yourself to bulk, positive randomness relies on trusting the uncertain and unknown, the ability to continually do it gets better with experience. Partly because our minds, unchecked, run wild. We imagine the absolute worst (Evil Brain-Sucking Tree Gnomes) to explain away what we don’t know, only to find that the anticipation of the unknown is actually worse than the thing that does occur. Even when it’s really bad.

Granted, the specifics of each situation are different. The effect, though, is the same: it hones your ability to adapt. It lets you know what it’s like to feel completely hopeless and lost and frustrated and beat. And, just as important, it lets you know what it’s like to get yourself out of it.

In a way, you become comfortable in the uncomfortable to the point that when you’re feeling your senses atrophying, you seek it.

The great thing about it all is while the change of scenery is temporary, the change in mindset lasts. I took that mindset home with me, to work with me, to moving back home with me. That kind of consistent exposure prepared me for what was next. Two years after Spain, bolstered by my previous random experiences, I moved to New York. Sure, I thought up worst-case scenarios where I slept in a cardboard box in Central Park next to Evil Brain-Sucking Tree Gnomes, but I didn’t let it consume me. It has worked out just fine.

As for the creepy old men, how did they respond, you ask? Unfortunately, we did not burst into spontaneous song about good versus evil (I imagine it would have gone something like this, and it would have been AWESOME.).

They simply picked themselves up, gathered what was left of their dignity, and left.